The Beauty in Being a Slut

Discerning Daddy

I’m a slut. A total fucking slut.

I don’t like to think of myself as a top or a bottom. I’m 100% versatile. I seriously love it all. I love to fuck, I love to get fucked, I can get dom or I can sub out, I like intimate sex and nasty sex, I just love queer gay ass sex.
I don’t say this to be provocative or to make your dick hard (though, if it does…that’s awesome)…I say it because in this day and age, being a faggot slut is political. It is radical.

And being an HIV Positive Faggot Slut is like totally fucking punk rock.
I love when bottoms love it so much they can’t get enough and when tops are so into their dude’s ass they will do anything to make that boy moan. I love the guys deep into kink and the dudes who love vanilla sex, I love guys who only whore out for their boyfriends and the ones who wanta take on ten guys at a time.

For the record, for all the trans, lesbians, gender queer and cis-gendered women sluts…this is for you too…owning our sexuality, owning our desires and our bodies is radical. And if anyone tells you it isn’t…fuck them. Seriously fuck them. There is no God, there is no legal or political system or moral code that should ever have the right to deny us our sexuality.

If I want to go out right now and take all the loads, or fuck all the sexy butts why does that say anything about who I am as a human being as long as I treat my partners with dignity and respect?

I wrote an article for Vice Magazine a while back about Slut Shaming. A “muscle bear” in LA, who actually knows me from out in the bar scene left a comment, “You deserve AIDS. Why don’t you go drink bleach and die?” All because I said that I had fucked over 3400 guys (I have a very complicated mathematical equation for this in the story) and that I wasn’t ashamed. I actually had fun.

Because sex is fun. And who doesn’t want to have fun?

And no one deserves AIDS and no one should drink bleach and die because they like to have fun. That’s just stupid.

You know what else I like? I like showing my ass on Instagram. I like when people tell me I’m sexy. It feels good. I don’t think that makes me thirsty. I mean, fuck, I love when a hot dude shows his body off on Instagram, or tumblr. I also like seeing guys’ gym selfies. Why the hell not? If you don’t like it, then don’t like it, just keep scrolling, why talk shit? Some of us like looking at hot guys, and some of us didn’t always think of ourselves as hot. Some of us felt fat, and unwanted, and were ashamed of who we were, so it’s kind of awesome to be able to post pictures and have dudes tells us, “Hey, I think you’re hot.”

So if you want to see my ass, you can find it all over Instagram.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, why don’t we all just shut up and stop judging each other and instead try to support each other? I do it too. All the time. I talk shit and gossip, but honestly it doesn’t make me feel good, and it certainly doesn’t make me a good person.

So go out there and be you. Be a slut, or don’t be a slut, make out, show your ass (I for one would love to see all your asses), and if anyone gives you shade or talks shit, or tries to make you feel bad: that shit has nothing to do with you. It’s all them. Their shame, their self-hate, and their internalized homo-phobia.

There are way more important things right now that matter then who and how we fuck. I actually think fucking each other, treating each other kindly, enjoying each other, being intimate (even in the most no strings attached dark room fucking there can be a shared intimacy), being loving and supportive with each other is the one way we get to say fuck you to anyone who has ever told us we aren’t deserving, or good enough, or worthy.

I don’t want to live a hetero-normative life. I think it’s awesome if you do, but I don’t. I want to be queer as fuck. I like being queer. And I really like queer sex. A lot. For all our messiness I think we are fucking amazing. Our whole community, the whole LGBTQ rainbow.

And seriously fuck anybody who tries to tell us how to live our lives.

You can check out my book, Accidental Warlocks, At Amazon! Your support would be amazing!

70 thoughts on “The Beauty in Being a Slut”

  1. You are awesome 🙂
    I started reading your posts recently, but in a short time I’ve become a big fan. You inspire me to be a better person and a better writer.
    Thanks for sharing with us the way you see the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re a goddamn patriot! This is the pursuit of happiness. This is what it means to be truly free. I’m hetero and I love all of this. Keep doing you!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh wow… what a discover! wow! such statement…..!
    how old is this moron, 15 or 65?
    and for the records, sexuality freedom is not an homosexual or transexual commoditiy but applies for all the human beings whatever sexual condition/preference .

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  7. Jeff, I don’t think Polly was calling you a moron; the reference was clearly to the LA bar scene muscle bear who trolled you, evidenced by asking if the moron was 15 or 65. You are a sexy 50, but nobody is going to ponder for a moment if you are 15… so Polly is most certainly asking about the unpictured muscle bear moron’s age.

    This is the first I’ve read from you, having just received a link to here from a friend — absolutely not the last I will read from you! What a great empowering outlook on life and love and living it to the fullest. I think I’ve found a new favorite blog. Hugs from a fellow 50-year-old Jeff in Copenhagen!

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  8. Sluts ROCK!!!! You ROCK!!! And YES, you are FUUUUUCKING sexy! As I read this post, P!nk’s song “Slut Like U” started playing in my head…LOL. I’m not a slut…I just love LOVE! Fuck that shit…I AM A SLUT and I wouldn’t have it any other way…errrr….wait, I would….I’d be a WHORE and capitalize on my talents! Thanks for this…you put a smile on my face and a tingle in my balls and I would gladly show you my ass (and anything else you wanted to see or touch or play with)!

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  9. Loved the article. So true. Everyone judges, what isn’t in their comfort zone. Sex “normalcy” to whom? I was told along time ago by a wonderful man, that me being called a slut, was because I had one more trick, than the asshole calling me a slut. LOL. So I go with that. Happy. Love from Canada.

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  10. This article is EVERYTHING!!!!! Sexual and body positivity in one!!! Thank you for spreading this knowledge on the people!

    Ps: Cute butt too!

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  11. Me and my husband met in porn 20 years ago we got serious jumped through all the marriage hoops from blessing to a civil partnership to marriage he dies in March suddenly since then people who to our faces said we were the strongest most loving couple they ever met have dragged our relationship to hell and back. yes he was a slut yes so could I be but sex was sex and love was love so when as has happened I am told I have no right to mourn or he deserved to die so young because of the lifestyle he had for nearly six months I haven’t known what to say. But this article has given me pride again we could both be sluts we knew we liked a bit of variety but we also knew we loved each other and only each other as years went on for medical reasons too complicated to explain I stopped being a slut and hardly had sex but I never stopped him from doing what he wanted we were both happy. Now my health is getting better I know in a few years I am going to want to return to being a slut but right now I am grieving but I also know I don’t want another relationship so if I want sex slut is the only option when I am ready so thank you for writing this its made me feel there are lots of possibilities when I recover from all this.

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  12. Thank you for this!! I was in my 40s and a sexual health educator before I internalized that sex was GOOD or at least good sex is good, consenting fun sex is good, all manner of sex is good as long as everyone involved is good with it is a normal healthy part of life. I had a mom take her 16 year old in to the doc for birth control pills, doc say umm to help with her acne – mom goes no to help with her sex life, we allow her to have one when she wants one, we also allow her to use the restroom when she wants to and eat when she wants to, you know doc all those normal human things
    again Thank you!! and keep it up – sex should be fun and nothing to be ashamed of

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  13. I don’t like it when people use trans as a definer in the same way as lesbian or gay. It’s not the same thing. I’m a gay guy like you and my sexuality is not the same as my gender. Please don’t other me by naming us in this way. A far better writing of that sentence would have been gay lesbian female male, cis or trans sex is great for all

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  14. There is freedom and the rest. I like freedom, no one has the right to tell me what to do with my body as long as i don’t interfere with others.
    And sex, in particular queer, is exactly about freedom.

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  15. It’s really great that someone besides myself still thinks this way. I’ve always believed that sex between men is an intimate, political, transgressive act, even the most anonymous, fleeting sex. It’s all beautiful. I’m thrilled that at least someone still believes this. Thank you so much for writing this.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Just remember that like food, drugs, shopping, just about anything, sex can be used to self medicate. There’s something to be said for asking why you’re a slut and if it happens to be your go-to for altering your mood or not feeling pain. Not saying that’s always the case, but if it is then it isn’t sex-negative to point it out and ask people to consider it.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. HEHE ,I Never considered myself to be Punk Rock ;). But thx for the compliment. I just like to run on feelings or sexual attraction whatever you like to call iT! Being around same-minded sluts is fucking awesome the atmosphere of anything Goes is a Total turn-on for me. It’s the only time you actually feel free of all the labels society sticks on you! Thx dude this article is everything!

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    1. Thanks for this. This is just one blog post regarding one topic. Much of my life is spent traveling, my BF, my work and writing and my time alone, as well as a sex life. But I appreciate what you are saying. Balance and happiness and pursuing what we love is what life is about. This one post does not define my anymore than my sexuality does. The point of this piece is to claim as loud as possible that we are all free to live the lives we want and no one should judge us for it. Getting comments like this are amazing and I really appreciate them.

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  24. This is a good article, i dont u derstand why people have the desire or needs to shame other for something that im sure they do as well…! And then wish aids or death on someone? So lame…! Lets all be who we want to be…! NO SHAME…!

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  29. I love this article. I grew up with a lot of shame and guilt surrounding masturbation and sex. My early adult life was just after the height of the aids crisis so I had a lot of issues when it came to sex. It wasn’t until my early 40’s and living in a much more progressive city when I was able to shake a lot of these issues. Now I’m a proud and out slut. I take my truvada and do my quarterly tests. I recently went back to my home town to visit and was met with the same narrow mindedness I grew up with and it makes me happy to know I was able to escape it and enjoy the many pleasures of men. Thanks so much for writing this and keep up the good sluttiness

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  30. This supposedly inclusive text utterly exludes those who find themselves on the asexual / side axis, and utterly deligitimizes the mere existence of such people. Terrible.

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    1. Hey thanks for this . I’m in no way deligitimizing asexuality. That’s just not what this particular piece was about. I wanted to address one aspect of our community: the way we are shamed for sex. So, while I think discussions about asexuality and varying degrees of sexuality are important and something I want to address, it just didn’t make sense in the scope of this story. Thank you so much for your comment!

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  31. It’s great that you love and are confident in being yourself. I am also appalled by some moron wishing AIDS on you – it’s not right and nobody deserves that.

    However, I dislike the assumption that not being a slut is “hetro-normative”, whilst being a slut is queer. It isn’t and from my perspective as a queer man, it’s a bit offensive (only because I don’t want that life, same way that I don’t like pineapple on a pizza – morality is besides the point. I like exclusive non-slutty relationships with one man that only has eyes for me).

    Being queer means that you fancy men. How you do it, it’s up to you.

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    1. Hey Luc! Thanks for commenting. I in no way believe not “being a slut” makes you “Hetero-normative” what I do believe is we don’t have to live by hetero-normative values . For me being queer means we get to choose whatever we want we don’t have to play by the rules set up by society. Sorry that you took offense. That wasn’t my point at all! But I also know that when writing something like this it will be read in many different ways. I’m just super glad you took the time to read and comment! That’s awesome!

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      1. Thanks for responding – I must admit, your posts are really interesting. I just came across the one regarding toxic masculinity and couldn’t agree with you more. Will certainly subscribe 🙂

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  32. I totally love your article!!! There shouldn’t be any shaming regarding our sexuality and how we express it. I have been told like you that I deserved AIDS because I am sexually generous. The ironic thing about that is, I was totally monogamous with my lover who pozzed me. Obviously he was not. After I tested poz, I decided to live my life on my terms and fuck anyone who doesn’t like it!!

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  34. I’ve been a slut since I was 14yrs. At 23 I met a gentleman twice my age and he provided me a safe home where he and his friends would allow me to explore my sexuality. Now things have come full circle. I’m 50 and caught the attention of a 23yr old with a beautiful ass! He is just as slutty as me. I’m glad to offer my home as a safe place for him. I’ve only known him for 6 months and it’s been fucking awesome! He is the one that posted your article. Thanks!

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  35. As a hetero cis-woman who recently started having sex again after a long period of celibacy, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve been internally fretting over the kinky, freaky sex I’m having with multiple partners and I need to realize that’s not shameful. It’s awesome.

    THANK YOU! 😘

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  36. Omg. What a great article.Can I be nr 3401? 🙂 Slut stands for me for sexual freedom and I see it as one of the best compliments one can give me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and luckily we live in 2018 were one can be responsible and healthy AND be a slut.

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  39. So discerning daddy writes an article about race for white people that garners all of one comment from a person of colour, while this article about sluttiness being a radical act garners numerous comments.

    From this one objective fact, we can safely conclude that being a slut won’t bring in the communist revolution anytime soon.

    For me at least, traveling the world and fucking a bunch of guys, girls, or llamas far from being a radical act, reinforces notions of colonisation and racism (after all the reason why James Bond is so popular is that he travels the world, has a bunch of unprotected sex and blows shit up), a vanishing upper middle class lifestyle (what poor person working at Burger King, The GAP, or a call center saddled with student loans can afford a harness to attend a BDSM party much less go to a bear event? We can also point out that the protagonist in How Stella Got Her Grove Back was able to go to Jamaica and get fucked by some young stud because she was a powerful middle class black woman), and patriarchy.

    Until we have a nationalised healthcare system, free education, and meaningful work where people have 20 hour work weeks and have the time to form meaningful loving relationships outside of work, being a slut will be much like the American Dream (open to millionaire playboys and closed to everyone else).

    I think Yasmin Nair says all of this better than I do so I’ll leave you with her article:

    Your Sex is Not Radical
    http://yasminnair.net/content/your-sex-not-radical

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    1. Hey, thanks for all your comments. It means a lot to me that you took the time to really respond and think about what I wrote. I know we won’t all agree. and I know that there are many different points of view that will differ from me, as well as life circumstances that will create different experiences. The point I really wanted to make was that no one gets to tell us how to live our lives . As Queer People, as a queer HIV Poz man, no one gets to tell me that I am some how less than based on my sexuality. I agree with much of what you wrote here, but the scope of this piece was very limited to one idea. I’m not tackling the larger political arena in this piece, just one idea: that we have a right to live our lives how we want. I’ve never been to a bear party and don’t really identify with that community, but I’m sure they can be expensive. I don’t tend to go to large gay events, when I travel I like to visit cities and experience them on their own terms, not in terms of large gay parties, but that doesn’t mean I think bear or queer parties are bad things. People should do whatever makes them happy. I do think our sexuality is radical, and it is politicized, it is used against us, and for those of us who do have the ability to stand up and refute that we should. But again, thanks for your comments. They are fucking awesome.

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  40. The almost exasperated extremism, the claim of absolute freedom, the omission on the real solitude and sense of incompleteness that permeate a life lived like this, “totally queer”.
    That’s what i read in the article, that seems to be written by a teenager.

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  41. Why not to be honest? Why not say the truth? You cannot find the light in the eyes of those people anymore, they basically do not love themselves, jumping from one person to another without having the ability to stop, to focuse, to concentrate on one human being.
    Let’s say this truth: too many of us (maybe all of us) have gone too far with sex, drugs, sex with drugs. The article flies and glides over an absolutely human, physiological, emotional need, that is to love and feel loved (by which no one is exempt).
    The author seems to present his “reality”, maybe because facing certain other realities and calling them by their names (addictions) is sometimes difficult

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  42. I believe (I see) that these people have (have) passed the point of no return, where unfortunately the ability to love, to get affected will be lost.
    These feelings require a hard training.

    Greetings

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    1. Hey, thank you so much for taking the time to write this response. It means a lot to me when people take the time to actually respond in such a well thought out way. My point in this article is not to push behavior that is addictive or empty, but to say that as adults we should be allowed to live our lives in ways that we feel suits us, in ways that make us happy, whether that is as full on sluts, monogamous, poly, asexual, etc. We should be allowed to explore our limits or to live within boundaries, without fear of judgment or persecution. I agree that many people get lost in addiction. I am seven and a half years sober and have struggled with addiction. I didn’t talk about that in this piece (thought I have at length in other pieces) because that was not part of the scope of what I was saying here: that we get to live our lives how we choose, without persecution or judgement and to hell with anyone who would try to tell you you can’t. I am actually in a monogamy-ish relationship, I have been for years, and that, for me, is the best way to live my life. But that doesn’t mean it is the best way for everyone. I really celebrate all the ways our sexuality and love and freedom are expressed. Again, thanks so much for your comments! I love that we can have this conversation.

      Liked by 1 person

  43. Thank you too!
    I wanted just to say, the separating line between “being a slut” and “have a problem with sexaddiction and disaffection” isn’t that clear.

    See you. 🙂

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    1. I agree, but the thing we being an addict is it’s a self-diagnosed illness, and it is never clear cut. For me, being an addict is a pervasive disease that affects all areas of my life, not just one, and just because I am an addict doesn’t mean others shouldn’t be able to drink or use drugs, or fuck or be a slut. Freedom means we also have the freedom to explore the darker areas of our souls: I am grateful for my addictions: they taught me how to be compassionate and loving and accepting of other people in a way I wouldn’t have been without them.

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  45. Hey, thanks for this and thanks for taking the time to reply. The point of this piece was to say that we get to live our lives how we want, without judgment and without fear of being persecuted for it. I don’t think we should have to answer to their stereotypes of who we are, and how we live, but again, that is just my opinion. I’ve written a great deal about my struggles with addiction (I am seven years sober) and about my life and my relationship (I’m in a monogamous-ish relationship). What I do think is we need to stop judging each others sexuality and sexual behavior, and stop assigning moral judgment to those things, and allow ourselves the freedom to express ourselves how we see fit. If that is with abandon, or if you want to go have a crazy weekend, have it. If you want to be monogamous, or poly, or open, have at it. We get to choose how we live our lives and we should do so without fear or judgment for those choices. Again, we don’t have to agree about any of this, and I’m incredibly honored that you took the time to respond. I think that all sides of this conversation are important.

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  46. Jeff, I stumbled upon your post when attracted to the art depicting an image of many a scene from my life as a slut. After reading your piece “The Beauty in being a slut” I felt as if you had taken my thoughts and turned them into words. I have never been afraid of being labeled a slut for the same reasons you wrote about and often wondered how some men think it shameful. After all we are men and not society ladies at brunch although I do like Brunch especially after a night of down and dirty sex or orgy. I think I will get a kick following you and checking out your hairy ass, WOOF!
    Carlos in Ft. Lauderdale FL.

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  48. Love this article I can relate big time as I was wild back in the days. Settled down since I been with wifey but sure is fun. 🙂 Every word had my eyes glued. I agree with all of this.

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  49. I believe in balance, in duality, ambiguity to morth into a whole self. extremes or represions shows lack of maturity and balance. Broken self-esteem, insecurity and twisted egos. you need to know that freedom is not the same as debauchery, to have free will to find oneself not to be lost. Don´t you feel empty? I feel you’re still looking for approval.

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    1. Hey thanks for this. I really don’t believe that there is any one or correct path. If we are happy and loved and loving that is what matters. I am very lucky. I get to have the career I want . I have a super loving and supportive boyfriend . I get to live the life I want. So I guess I don’t feel empty. I’m happy. I’ve always wanted to live in Europe and the US and I now live in Berlin and LA. My point to this is to say it’s not so easy to place these kinds of judgements on people. Maybe for you this is how you would feel. For me it turned out very different. Thanks again! I love these kinds of contrasting comments!

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  50. Only 3600 huh? Wow I got you beat on that. Lol
    There is so much control attached to shaming ones sexuality. Industries have been born out of that: AIDS included.
    Sexuality is the one of the most powerful abilties humans have, that and Love. Well look at what it creates: LIFE!

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