Before you go any further, this isn’t about sex. Well, there is a gang bang story in here. And it’s a really hot gang bang, like one of those 20-load weekend kind of deals, but that’s not what this piece is about. So if you don’t want to read something kind of corny, and full of inspirational moments, just jump ahead to the gang bang story and move on.
But for those of you who can handle the cheese…come on in…
When Noah told me he was moving back to Berlin, I was excited for him. He would be starting a new job and going back to the City he loved. But I was also afraid. Fear, it seems, is a corner stone to much of my life.
Fear is that constant voice in my head enumerating every possible tragic outcome, every flaw in my body and personality, all the failures of my past and the ones waiting for me in the future. I’ve read tons of self-help books and law of attraction and power of mind books that tell me I have to get control of my thoughts and my emotions, I have to be grateful and think only happy thoughts: that what I think and feel will determine the course of my life. I will either sink or swim based on my thoughts and feelings.
If this were true, then honestly, I would have drowned a long time ago. I’m not saying it’s all bullshit, because I don’t think it is. I am a big believer that we have the power to manifest almost anything into our lives, and that how we think about our lives does matter, but, in my opinion, the way we change our life is by directly confronting the things we are most afraid of and moving past them. Not hiding from them or denying them or pretending they don’t exist.
Here are some of the things my head has said to me, “Now that Noah is moving to Berlin and has a new job he will no longer need me. He will see me for who I really am, a failure, broke, struggling, fat, ugly, old, HIV Positive. I have nothing to bring to the table. Eventually he will meet a sexier, smarter, more successful man and move in with him and I will die alone.”
Because in my head, I will always die alone. Oh, and homeless. In my head, eventually, I am always homeless and dying alone.
Another fun game I like to play is what I call the Math = Dying alone and Homeless game. In this fun filled game I like to calculate how old Noah will be when I am 55 (36), and when I am 60 (41) and when I am 70 (51). This game is all about proving to myself why my relationship will never work. It is also disrespectful to Noah, assuming that once I’m too old he will no longer love me, that he is the kind of man who would just abandon me. Which I know isn’t true. Because the game isn’t about Noah at all. The game is all about me and my self-worth.
There are a million stories like this that we tell ourselves. I’m sure you have your own special fun games you like to play when you are lying in bed late at night unable to sleep.
And the truth is, maybe there were reasons to break up with Noah. To just walk away. To say, hey, you know what, I don’t want to risk it. He lives 6,000 miles away. He’s 19 years younger than me. He’s HIV Negative and I’m Poz. He’s going to be super fucking gorgeous when I’m 70 and old and on and on it goes…but I can change that story. Instead I could tell myself another truth: How amazing is it that my partner lives in Berlin and I get to go there every five weeks? How fucking awesome is it (and what kind of crazy stud am I) that I get this super sexy, hot, 31 year old dude who doesn’t give a fuck about my age, and is an educated adult about my HIV status? I mean…where exactly is the problem?
One of the ways, lately, that I’ve been dealing with my fearful mind, is going on long walks. When I’m in LA I love to walk the hills of Hollywood and Silverlake, stunned by the endless views and the strange beauty that makes up my home City. When I’m in Berlin I love to walk for hours through Friedrichshain and Kreuzberg, discovering a new world, learning this new City that is now also my home. I carry books with me so I can stop in cafés and read. It’s amazing how kind and open the world is when you just walk and allow yourself to be open to whatever or whoever might come your way.
The other way I deal with my fearful head is contrary action. My fear wants me to crawl into bed, or to get lost in a dark room, watching hours of Porn (I can literally get lost in an endless array of gang bang videos), or numbing myself with hours of Netflix. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with gang bang videos or Netflix, or going to bed. It’s just about making sure I don’t lose myself in those things.
Like right now. I literally just finished jerking off to some pretty intense BB Gang Bang porn. So now I’m writing. I’m trying to tell the truth. I’m trying to remind myself of who I am and where I want to be. Because in the end, I think Noah and I have a chance, even our 70/51 year old selves: but regardless of what happens with us, I’ll either have succeeded or I won’t have, and that is all up to me. And how I manage my fear.
That’s true of everything in our lives. We waste so much time being afraid. Hiding. Of not taking risks. Playing it safe. Sacrificing. And then one day it’s all over.
So here’s what I did: I got on that plane and I flew to Berlin, and I told Noah all the things that scared me, and he wrapped his arms around me and just held me (He’s definitely the quiet and strong type and I’m definitely…well, I’m not quiet at all) and reminded me how safe I really am. And I made friends. I found other Americans living in Berlin and I befriended them. I invited them to coffee. I made friends with some amazing Germans who loved showing me around their city.
And I just kept doing the opposite of what my head told me. I did the opposite of fear.
I’m not really sure of my point here (I’m really just trying to keep my guilt at bay for having spent 20 minutes watching that gang bang porn video…I might have to go back and re-watch it…it was good!), but I think maybe what I’m getting at is really simple: It’s ok to be afraid and it’s ok to fall down and to fail. Just don’t let those things define your life.
There’s always a reason not to get on that plane, or date that guy, or quit your job to follow your passion, or not to write that book: but as a guy who has been terrified while doing each and every one of those things in the face of all the fear, I can tell you: Life is way fucking better on the other side.
So go fucking do it. Whatever it is. And if you fail, fuck it. Do the next thing. Just keep doing it.
Sorry this wasn’t the sexiest blog…in that gang video there was this super hot…JK you will have to go find your own porn.
But it is the one I needed to hear today. So it’s the one you get.
I promise, I’ll write something super hot really soon!
Hey, and also, my new book, AccidentalWarlocks, is now available on Amazon. It would fucking amazing if you went and checked it out!