“What are you doing?” Clay Texts me.
It’s Monday. 6:30pm.
“I’m being lazy. What about you?”
“May I make a suggestion?”
“If I were you I’d take off all my clothes and sit in the shower with the water off.”
I feel my dick get hard.
“I’ll go do that now.” I text back.
“Good boy. Wait for me.”
I strip naked and get on my knees in the shower. I hear Paco start to bark, then the front door opens.
I close my eyes and breathe in deep.
The bathroom door opens and I am overwhelmed by how handsome he is. He is dressed in a blue button-down oxford, dark pants. He has just come from work.
He smiles when he sees me. The way he smiles makes me feel proud.
I watch as he unzips his pants and pulls his cock out. I brush my face against it, my cock hard in anticipation, and then he is pissing.
I lean my head back, letting it run over my face, into my mouth: I drink it and let it run over my head and down my back.
He must have been saving it for me. He likes to spoil me.
When he is done I take his cock in my mouth: it is hard too. I kiss it, stroking it. Then I stand.
Clay kisses me, tasting his piss on my mouth.
“Shower. I’ll be waiting in the bedroom.”
He leaves me to wash off.
In the bedroom he fucks me like he owns me. He holds me down, teasing my hole then pounding it, kissing the back of my neck, biting at my ear lobes, he holds me tight as he grinds into me, saying my name, reminding me that I am his, to use, to do what he wants with.
When he cums he rams it in deep, pinning me to my bed, his weight heavy on me.
When I jerk off his fingers are deep in my hole, and he talks me through, working me to that place where he is in total control.
When I cum it shoots far, and then he is kissing me, wrapping his arms around me, and I am laughing.
I always laugh when he makes me cum.
Some people might call me a sexual deviant. Or a slut. Or kinky, or into fetishes, or a bottom or a sub, or a top, a bear, a daddy, queer, gay, masculine, feminine, but I’m done with these labels. With the ways we divide and separate each other. The ways we try to make ourselves feel special or elevated, above someone else. I am done with the idea that being kinky, or deviant, or open or poly, or monogamous, or vanilla, or into leather, or any word we use to somehow establish an elitist idea of how someone should behave or be are the things that define who I am.
I like when Clay pisses on me. Not because I am into piss play but because I am into Clay. I am into exploring the boundaries of sex and dominance, the limits of who I am and who he is.
But I also like to cuddle and watch Schitt’s Creek.
I also really love “vanilla” boyfriend sex. The kind of sex where we are both just chasing our nut. Sometimes that is my favorite kind of sex.
What makes something a kink or a fetish? One person piggy and another not? Why can’t we just like what we like without labeling it? Without using it to divide ourselves?
I’m not saying I don’t think communities aren’t valuable. I think finding like-minded people who share your preferences is essential to no longer feeling like a deviant, an outcast, alone. I think celebrating our sexual identities, our desires, celebrating who and how we love, is the way we become visible: the way to acceptance from ourselves and others.
By being visible we normalize what can sometimes seem foreign or threatening.
I like trying on different labels, different fetishes, exploring the ways in which my sexuality expands and grows, but I do not want to be defined or limited by these desires.
Just because I loved that moment when Clay was pissing in my mouth and all over my face doesn’t mean I don’t also love when he holds me tight and whispers that he loves me, looks into my eyes, the moments when we are vulnerable, when I am jealous and scared and he reminds me of who I am.
The minute I allowed myself to stop thinking of myself as a label I was able to discover a vast landscape of possibilities.
I think this is what it means to be sex-positive. To be aware of the ways in which we limit ourselves and each other. To stop viewing our sexuality as something transactional.
There is a whole world of experiences out there just waiting. I want to be free to explore them, to be open to them, I want to feel secure enough and happy enough to trust that I can move outside the boundaries I have created for myself and try something new.
So I’m gonna keep writing about them. Keep trying to make sense of who I am and who I am becoming. And maybe it’s arrogant to think this, but I can’t help but believe that by doing this, by being as open and honest as I can be, maybe I am helping to light a path, to let others know they are safe too, that we get to be as big and as vast as we want to be.
To be pissed on and fucked, to dominate and submit, to follow all our desires and fetishes without shame or stigma.
But to also be more than those desires and fetishes.
I’d love to hear your stories. To hear some of your adventures.
If you’d like to read more of my writing check out the stories on my blog or my book, Accidental Warlocks, on Amazon.
Your support means everything to me. We are in this together.